Gush

If I had a Cherokee Indian name, (you know, like ‘Rippling River’ or ‘Desert Sun’) it would be ‘Escaping Liquids’. This is because all my life, I have been troubled by a multitude of non-solid substances, all wishing to free themselves from the confines of my body.

As a kid, I tended to vomit a lot, but I also did my fair share of crying. (Just ask my sister, whose conversational prop at parties is to tell people about all the times I cried, usually because I’d come into contact with a liquid that had escaped one of our many family pets). My childhood was basically a carnival of vomiting and crying – often at the same time. Oh, those were the days!

When I hit adolescence, I still did a fair amount of spewing and wailing, but both of these types of liquid were quickly knocked off the ‘most frequently ejected’ list by blood – menstrual blood. In all of those twee educational books and programs I’d read and seen about hormone-related bodily changes, none of them bothered mention that becoming a woman would be like that scene from Psycho. I mean, people can be so condescending about hysterical teenage girls, but dude, you’d be hysterical too if you were suddenly gushing tsunamis of blood for ten days at a time.

(And men complain about needing to shave! Bitching and moaning about being pressured to remove a small amount of hair from the highly-accessible area of their face, which incidentally women also need to do, but from far less accessible areas of their bodies, and in ways that are far more painful. *rage*)

Escaping liquids are, on the whole, unpleasant. Except for one notable exception, which helps me to see my untamed liquidity as a blessing, not a curse.

It’s a little bit mysterious and a little bit controversial, but I would like you to know it is not a myth.

Yes, I’m talking about female ejaculation. Also known as squirting, gushing, or just generally making an amazing mess.

I know it’s not like me to be shy about discussing anything to do with sex, but for some reason I’ve had difficulty writing this post. There seems to be some sort of weird stigma surrounding this; a certain distastefulness. Which reminds me of a quote I read somewhere (you know, by that person), about how women are taught to be ashamed and afraid of their bodily secretions. It’s not ‘ladylike’ to sweat, nor is it proper to let on if you need to wee. “I’m just off to powder my nose” is still something that gets whispered at dinner parties, often ironically, but the note of embarrassment remains. (Gosh, it’s lucky that women don’t poo!)

Men, on the other hand, tend to sweat and pee and crap and chunder with a sense of pride. They have competitions with their mates to see who can pee the farthest. Sexually speaking, the male ejaculation is taken for granted as normal. And perhaps because of this, it’s almost as if spurting liquids are owned by men. As if they are intrinsically masculine.

I know not all blokes are frightened or intimidated by liquids emerging from females, but many are. Menstruation, again, is something that women are taught to be embarrassed about. It’s pretty much every women’s  worst nightmare to have an ‘accident’ during ‘that time of the month’. Despite modernity and despite feminism, the notion that menstruation is dirty is still prevalent. We are taught to hide, to conceal.

If you think I’m making a big deal about nothing, then let’s come back to the topic of female ejaculation. I’m willing to bet that a good lot of you are shaking your heads or scratching your chins, mumbling: “how can you ejaculate without a penis or testicles? It just doesn’t make sense?”

Despite the fact our culture is obsessed with sex, and everything we see and hear in the media is saturated with sexual imagery and references, there are still so many large gaping holes in most people’s understanding of sex. Sure, we know what goes in where, and if we’re progressive enough we’ll even go so far as to say that the act of sex does not have to be penetrative or heterosexual,  but there is still so, so much that we don’t know, especially when it comes to female sexuality.

So, like the optimistic character in that starfish story, (you know the one, written by that person), if I manage to educate only a handful of people with this blog, then I’ll be happy enough.

Now I’ve got that out of the way, I’m here to tell you that female ejaculation is real, and it’s spectacular!

If you detected a hint of bitterness earlier in this piece, it’s because my own squirting ability has been held back by many years of thinking there was something wrong with me. Even though the first time it happened it was the most incredible orgasm I’d ever experienced, I still thought that I’d broken my body; like I’d managed to incur some sort of medieval punishment for masturbating too much. The only conclusion I could draw was that I’d somehow lost bladder control, and so from then on I avoided masturbating in such a way that felt *too* good, so that it didn’t happen again.

(The way I did it was consciously focusing on relaxing all my muscles during masturbation, and not tensing up at the moment of orgasm. It was tricky, but it prolonged the orgasm, and made it ten times stronger. It also felt as if my whole body was coming – not just my clit. And the moment of squirting was exquisite, because even though I was horrified, the pleasure was just too intense to stop.)

Years later, I was introduced to the concept of squirting by a boyfriend, who was really into seeing it in porn. Even then, I still didn’t ‘believe’ in it – I thought the actresses were urinating. (Which they probably were, since truthfulness is not especially paramount in the porn industry, but anyway). He’d never been with a girl in real life who could do it – so I described my first experience to him – and then it became his mission to draw it out of me, so to speak.

After a lot of trial and error, I finally relaxed enough to be able to do it with him. But even so, it probably only happened a handful of times – it was still a pretty rare occurrence. And I still didn’t know much about what it actually ‘was’.

Five years on from then, I’ve done a bit more research, and have conducted many more physical experiments (which were purely in the name of science, mind).  It’s still not easy, but it is getting more and more frequent. And the rewards are indescribable – squirting is both insanely pleasurable, and remarkable because it feels like the ultimate loss of control.

“But, but, how?” You are still asking. Well, here are some sites you can read, which will tell you all about how IT’S NOT URINE. (Yes, it comes out of the urethra, but then again so does semen!) There doesn’t seem to be an official consensus on what it actually is, but the most widely accepted theory is that the liquid is similar to semen, except without the sperm. (In reading these sites, I learned a new thing: that ‘squirting’ is actually kind of inaccurate, since for most people it just kind of dribbles out. As it does for men – not all ejaculations make it spectacularly far from the body. Interesting, isn’t it?)

For instructions on how to do it, you could visit these sites for tips and instructions. But the best advice I can give you is to be as relaxed as you possibly can be. Most of the information available on the internet will tell you that ‘g-spot’ stimulation is the best way to do it – but it can be done with clitoral stimulation alone (which is how I prefer it). All it takes is a big lead-up, a towel, (so you don’t have to worry about your bed linen), and for you to relax all your muscles as much as possible. Don’t strain to reach it – let it reach you. Just… let… go…

As a final note, if you’re still worried about the linen even after installing a towel, I recommend the use of another person’s mouth. This is especially effective if, say, they’re tied to the bed and, say, you’re sitting on their face. This will result in them being forced to swallow your lady liquid so as to avoid drowning.

This is hot. Trust me.